Panel members share their expertise with audience members during a town hall meeting on caring for aging loved ones.

NAPERVILLE—Caring for an aging parent is never easy. When the tables turn and an adult child is suddenly a caregiver for an ailing parent or relative, there are many emotions, questions and problems that arise.

In an effort to help those who are caring for or anticipate taking care of an aging loved one, the St. Elizabeth Seton Christian Formation Commission sponsored a town hall meeting Jan. 24 in the Naperville church titled “Caring for Our Parents and Loved Ones.”

On the panel were Rob Anderson, executive director of Alden Gardens of Waterford, an assisted living community in Aurora, and part-time caregiver for his 91-year-old mother; Patrick Gray, a financial consultant who works with pension management, retirement and estate planning; Meg Lafferty, a registered nurse who has worked with hospice for the last 13 years; and John Roth, an attorney specializing in estate, business and real estate law. All four are members of the Naperville parish.

The issues discussed before an audience of about 75 people “are becoming more frequent because people are living longer, so we are faced with things we may not have the answers for,” said John Potterton, a member of the SES commission and host of the town hall-style meeting.

Perhaps the hardest problem audience members admitted having to face was that one or both parents were no longer “parents” but the “children” in the relationship.

John Knobloch said his 88-year-old father’s health has been failing the last few years, creating a number of issues. Knobloch, a parishioner of St. Raphael Parish in Naperville, admitted his father, Jim, is also having trouble transitioning into the child’s role.

“He has been in and out of St. Pat’s (nursing and rehab facility) and when he is home he has a caregiver. But how do you get him to cooperate with the caregiver?” Knobloch asked. “It’s hard for him to deal with his lack of independence. When you see people who were once active in the community (lose their independence) it is that much harder” to deal with.

“You have to accept them for who they are and not for whom they were,” Anderson explained of ailing parents, some of whom have dementia. “You can’t change them, so try to accept them for who they are and keep a sense of humor through all of it.”

Whether it was choosing between a nursing home or moving a parent into their home, seeking financial advice or dealing with the emotional drain of caring for a loved one, the panel had answers.

If children choose to care for a parent at home, they should obtain additional assistance from family, friends or outside help. However, Anderson stressed that every person that enters your home or your parent’s home should have a criminal and sexual predator background check run on them to ensure a loved one’s safety.

John and Jeanette Rottersman said they have cared for all four of their parents in their Naperville home and wouldn’t change it. John’s father died in their home only three weeks prior to the meeting.

“We chose not to go with a nursing home, so all four of our parents have died in our house,” John said. “We wouldn’t do it any other way.”

The couple did use 24-hour caregivers and gave high praise to hospice care.

“We have experience with both our parents so we came here to give our support and to learn something,” Jeanette said in explanation of why they attended the discussion. “It is hard caring for them at home, but I wouldn’t trade it.”

Dolores Potterton has an 83-year-old mother in New York and she said the emotional trauma of having a strong parent who thinks she doesn’t need care is exhausting. Lafferty shared that hospice care also provides respite care for exhausted caregivers.

When choosing a retirement home or community, one man said it was an eye-opening experience. “Check Web sites and do your homework,” Anderson said about looking for nursing homes. “Take a tour of the whole facility. Look, smell and listen to what is going on. Go to the activity room and see if people are having a good time. Talk to some of the patients. How does the staff look? Are they neat and do they seem happy?”

Father Thomas Paul, pastor of St. Elizabeth Seton, said caregivers should also inquire about a resident’s faith-filled needs. He told of one home where 70 percent of the residents were Catholic and employees said there was a Catholic Mass held each week, but the Masses were held in a basement room. “The spiritual needs of the Catholics were not being met by the facility,” Father Paul explained. Lafferty assured the audience members that they weren’t alone and that there are agencies that can help with financial guidance, temporary daycare providers or hospice work.

“I am passionate about hospice. I am passionate about comfort care,” Lafferty explained. “When I walk in and meet someone, I don’t see them as someone who is dying, but as a person I will have a relationship with and whom I will get to know. I feel God’s presence. (Death is) such a holy time and I am honored to be with people at such a holy time.”

Financial concerns were on the minds of many during the discussion.

Long-term care in an Illinois nursing home can cost $55,000 or more a year, according to the panel. Although 24-hour care in a private home is cheaper—averaging $100 to $150 a day—the costs multiply quickly, so financial planning is essential, according to Gray and Roth.

“The key is planning,” Roth said, “and you are planning just by being here. The Medicaid system works under federal guidelines but individual states administer (it.) In Illinois there is a five-year look-back period.”

Which means the government “looks back” at the patient’s assets from the last five years prior to placing him or her on Medicaid.

Roth suggested planning ahead by looking into the option of purchasing a long-term nursing care policy. He also suggested speaking to a lawyer to create an appointed guardian for a parent, who will care for and make decisions for a person. This is not a power of attorney, Roth explained, pointing out that it only works if a person is declared incompetent.

“Parents want to be independent and they don’t want to be a burden on their children,” Roth said. “So they need to make decisions and have them hammered out” long before they need assistance.

“One thing that is becoming an issue is that people are concerned that they will outlive their assets,” Gray said. “You need to ask ‘What can I do to plan for my parents getting sick?’ But keep in mind that every situation is different when it comes to financial planning.

“The first question I ask people is ‘Do you have a will?’ ” he continued. “A will will help, but is a weak instrument.” A durable power of attorney will state who will make decisions for mom and dad if they become incapacitated. A medical power of attorney will make the medical decisions.”

Choosing who will make decisions prior to becoming ill is crucial and can help families cope. Dolores Potterton said she and her six siblings provide many different decisions on how to care for their elderly mother. She said because she is out of state she often feels she doesn’t have a say in her mother’s care. Legal documents might keep families from quarreling.

“It is hard dealing with financial issues, watching my parents’ health decline and trying to keep up my own mental health,” Knobloch said. “It is good to be reminded that there are lots of other people going through the same thing.”