Marriage conference teaches secrets of long-lasting relationships
Published May 1, 2008
Simply by studying the way a married couple argues and connects with each other, researchers can now predict—with an average of 91 percent accuracy—whether their relationship will end in divorce, said Brent Atkinson, an associate professor of marriage and family therapy at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb.
Speaking at a marriage-enrichment conference April 26 at Benedictine University in Lisle, he said one of the greatest indicators of failure is judgmental, contemptuous language. Seven parishes in DuPage County sponsored the event.
During his presentation, “Breaking the Cana Code,” Atkinson explained the findings of seven long-term research studies, which identified emotional habits common in failed marriages. The studies also identified habits that foster long-lasting and happy relationships.
Atkinson, who has written several books on marriage, said all married people feel mistreated by their spouses from time to time. What’s important, however, is the way they react when this mistreatment occurs. He said in healthy marriages couples express their complaints in non-condescending ways. They focus their anger on the behavior, not the person. Judgmental attitudes only increase marital discord over time, he said.
“The way you respond to the worst in your partner plays a central role in determining whether or not you are going to experience something better in the future,” said Atkinson, who has researched and taught marriage counseling at NIU for 21 years. He also founded a marriage-counseling clinic in Geneva.
He said most marital arguments occur because of conflicting values, priorities, or beliefs—not because one partner has done anything seriously wrong. In a healthy marriage couples learn to accept their differences and negotiate compromise. “Great marriages work like democracies,” Atkinson explained.
However, he said there could be no compromise when serious problems occur such as martial infidelity, and a firm line must be drawn. Nevertheless, he argued wounded spouses should strive to remain non-judgmental if the marriage is to survive, especially after their initial anger has subsided.
Contrary to popular belief, he said one spouse could improve the quality of a marriage by positively influencing the behavior of the other.
Dan O’Grady, a clinical psychologist and a parishioner at St. Thomas Apostle Parish in Naperville, helped organize the four-hour event. He explained his parish along with six others in the area pooled their resources to host Atkinson, forming a group called the Inter-parish Marriage Enrichment Team. They include the following Naperville parishes: St. Thomas the Apostle, St. Elizabeth Seton, St. Margaret Mary, St. Raphael, and Holy Spirit. It also includes St. Joan of Arc Parish in Lisle and St. Scholastica Parish in Woodridge.
“Quite frankly that’s kind of a rare thing to pull off,” he said of the collaborative effort.
O’Grady, who has worked in marriage ministry for years, said few parishes have offered regular marriage enrichment programs.
Speaking on the telephone with the Catholic Explorer, he explained couples frequently take their marriages for granted. They focus their energy on being good parents, not on nurturing their relationships. “People have to be intentional about working on their marriage,” he explained.
O’Grady said the Catholic Church has a long history of being proactive in building healthy families; however, most of the work occurs on the diocesan level, the Marriage Encounter program being one example.
Retired Auxiliary Bishop Roger L. Kaffer opened the conference with a few remarks. He said Pope Benedict XVI recently called on American bishops to boldly support the institution of marriage.
During the conference, Atkinson answered questions and provided opportunities for couples to interact. At one point participants watched a video of a married couple arguing; they analyzed the behavior by applying Atkinson’s lessons.
Bernie Sander attended the event with his wife Toni. He said the information is important “But what really makes a difference is what they do with it,” he told the Explorer.
In a private conversation with the Explorer, Atkinson said he hopes the couples that attended will feel closer in their relationships, “but even more importantly to have a handle on what they can do to sustain them.”
O’Grady said he hopes the conference will encourage more couples to become involved in marriage-enrichment activities in their parishes.
He said the Inter-Parish Marriage Enrichment Team plans to hold another conference next year. He also said the group plans to organize smaller events.
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